No Excuses

It’s hard to admit wrongdoing especially when the consequences are so steep. I’ve been wrong for so long, I should have stopped my wrongdoing a long time ago. A lot of heartbreak could have been avoided. I’ve hurt more than just my wife. I’ve hurt my children. I’ve hurt my family and that’s inexcusable.

I’ve been given so many second chances at this, at least 16, but I kept doing stupid hurtful bullshit.

I’ve mistreated my wife, Susan, for a very long time. She had deserved none of this. She chose to marry me and I should have done everything possible to show her as much love as possible. But I haven’t and there is no excuse for what I have done. I love her deeply but I haven’t shown her. All I’ve done is display a selfish self interest and given empty promises.

I’ve abused her – physically, emotionally, mentally, through dishonesty, by not doing what I needed to do to be the best husband possible and so much more. Instead of truth I’ve given her lies. Instead of love I’ve given her hate. Instead of support I’ve given her grief. You’d think after what my mom went through with my dad, I’d do everything I could to break that cycle. But I didn’t. And now my choices are really hurting our children.

I’m despicable. I’m dishonest. I’m selfish. I’m lazy. I could blame my childhood, I’ve led since I was 7 or 8, but it all falls on me. I’m to blame and there’s no excuse. I’ve been addicted to pornography and lied about it. That’s what an addict does. That’s still no excuse. All of that time wasted. 20+ years for a quick thrill. Pathetic. For that alone I don’t deserve to be with my family. I don’t deserve to start their joy, their happiness.

At the point in my life where I think I finally have my shit together and I can be the husband and father I need to be, I fall flat on my face. Now I’m only making things worse. I’m trying hard now but I should have tried hard then. It’s easier to do it right the first than to try to fix it later. Is easier to be truthful than to lie, even if the consequences are unpleasant. I’m a do it easy kind of guy. Why couldn’t I have done it right on the first place. I lied about stupid trivial stuff but it wasn’t so trivial after all was it?

Telling the truth should be the easiest thing in the world. Even when the truth is hard it should be what comes out. I accept the result of my choices. But it isn’t about me. Is about what I’ve done and what that does to others. My stupidity comes at a high cost. And I get selfish hoping it can be repaired and that we can be a family again.

I love my wife very much. I love my children. It breaks my heart that I’ve been so bad to her for so long. It destroys the little pieces I have left to see what is doing to our son and daughter. I weep when I think our unborn child will grow up without me in its life. I want them to have it better than I’ve given. They all, Sue included, deserve better than I’ve given. I haven’t shown it but I love them very much.

When I came back home, I prayed every night that we can be a family again. Now I pray that Sue can be happy and that our children can have normal lives, even if that means I’m not in the picture. Again I feel selfish, wanting to be back in this family though I don’t deserve it.

I know there’s no way to prove this except by my actions. I have to show.

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